


Lucent: (adj) Softly bright or radiant

by evenlowerlow



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: :'), Alex is bisexual, Brief Alex/Lisa, Jack and Zack are just kinda vibing, M/M, Rian is gay, Rian really likes Alex's smile, everyone is oblivious, idk how to tag sorry, just how i like them, like if you squint you'll miss it, this is my first fic please don't be mean to me!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:14:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenlowerlow/pseuds/evenlowerlow
Summary: He was beaming like the sun. He had a blinding smile that even on the worst of days made Rian’s eyes hurt and his heart skip a beat. On the best of days, his heart would ache at the feeling of happiness that filled his chest like bonfire smoke.
Relationships: Rian Dawson/Alex Gaskarth
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	Lucent: (adj) Softly bright or radiant

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is basically a short hand of a six (or seven?) part story I wrote for fun and idk if for some reason you guys like it I can post the full fic if you want. Some parts might be a little fuzzy since it is just something I wrote because I couldn't find the motivation to work on the full version of this, but I tried to make it as easy to follow as possible. Apologized for any typos or stuff like that, I never really intended to make this public, but fuck it. Regardless, I hope you enjoy B)

He was beaming like the sun. He had a blinding smile that even on the worst of days made Rian’s eyes hurt and his heart skip a beat. On the best of days, his heart would ache at the feeling of happiness that filled his chest like bonfire smoke. He looked at Alex from across the lunch table on a bad day. 

“I just think this is it for real this time,” he sighed. “I mean, I obviously loved her, but this has gotta be the last time, right?”

Jack just clapped him on the back. “I mean, it’s your call man. I think you guys have been through a lot, but it might just be time.”

Sighing, Alex pushed his spaghetti around his plate before standing. “I’m gonna go sit in the library for a while. I’ll see you guys later.” 

“If you want company, let us know,” Rian said, giving him a concerned look.

Alex just gave him his signature sad smile. Rian’s heart swelled like a crescendo before crashing back down. He felt for Alex. Him and Lisa were done. For certain this time. Or at least, that was Alex’s fear. And as much as Rian wished he could say he didn’t care, all Rian wanted was for him to be happy. And if he was happy with Lisa, that’s where he wanted Alex to be.

“Poor guy,” Zack muttered. “I didn’t think they’d last forever, but I had at least hoped they’d stay together until school let out.”

Jack frowned. “I know I’m an asshole, but maybe we’ll get a good song out of it?”

Rian hummed, biting into his apple. “Damn right. You are an asshole.”

Later that day, Alex approached Rian’s locker. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Rian smiled. “How’re you doin’ dude?”

“Been better,” Alex lamented. “Been worse.”

Nodding, Rian shoved his calculus book into his bag. “Fair enough. We can cancel practice if you need a day,” he offered, finally looking to reach Alex’s eyes.

Scoffing, Alex gave him a half assed smile. “No way,” he exclaimed. “I need music therapy right now,” he sighed, making Rian laugh.

“Who would we be to deny you of that?”

As they walked out of the building to their respective cars, Alex smiled, talking reservedly about a song he was working on. Rian’s chest filled with warmth. 

“I’m just happy you’re happy,” Rian told him a week later, lying through his teeth.

Alex was practically glowing, the joy of being reunited with Lisa making him giddy. “Thanks dude. I really thought that that was the last straw.”

Rian smiled weakly, trying to keep up his facade. “Well, lucky you. She’s very generous.”

Laughing, he nodded, fringe bobbing with every movement. “I really am lucky.”

So everyone was happy. Jack got his post breakup song after a bout of writer's block, Zack at the very least had hope that Alex would be locked down until at least graduation, and Alex had a beautiful girlfriend. Rian didn’t really get much satisfaction out of the situation except for Alex’s genuine smiles. The past week had been full of barely there smiles which made his stomach turn. But now he was back in full force, and if being with Lisa was what it took, he would gladly give up his hopes of somehow landing Alex even though he knew there was no chance.

Rian watched history repeat itself another two times before Alex and Lisa officially called it quits a week before graduation. Usually so quick to get rid of the boys after practice, Rian asked him to stay under the guise of wanting to be there for him. And while that wasn’t false, it wasn’t the only reason he asked Alex to stay, obviously.

Sitting in Rian’s basement watching The Fifth Element per Alex’s request, the older sighed. “Ri, can I tell you something?”

“Shoot.”

“I just, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you earlier,” Alex muttered. Rian just gave him an encouraging look. Taking a deep breath, Alex smiled. “I think- no, I know- I’m bi.”

His brain grinded to a halt. Looking at Alex in disbelief, Rian smiled. “Oh, God. That’s- that’s awesome dude. I, uh- I’m glad you felt like you could tell me,” Rian said earnestly.

Smiling wide, Alex let out a laugh. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you earlier. I’ve known since sophomore year. I mean, that’s when I started to figure it out anyways.”

Rian pulled him into a hug, trying to give himself a chance to breathe. The smile on Alex’s face was far too overwhelming for him to comprehend right then. “I’m so proud of you dude. I love you, man.”

“I love you too, Ri,” Alex whispered into his shoulder. “Oh, fuck, we missed the best part,” he mopped after pulling away. Rian just laughed, relishing in the fact that he had a chance.

Two weeks later, at band practice, he felt like his heart was being squeezed as his boyfriend sang the bridge to Lullabies. They’d just gotten together, but Rian didn’t know he could be so happy. Bonfire smoke in his chest had turned to full on forest fires in the past two weeks, threatening to choke him up everytime Alex would throw him a teasing wink or smile.

“Ri,” Jack said, pulling him from his thoughts. “Where the fuck is your head, dude?” Before he could answer, the lights flickered meaning his mom had had enough of Jack’s swearing. Rain gave him a look which resulted in Jack rolling his eyes before leaning into the microphone. “Sorry Mrs. Dawson.”

“I guess I’m just distracted, sorry. What did I miss?”

Alex gave him a knowing smile as Jack chastised him about being prepared for the upcoming show they had. 

Giving Rian a sly smile, Alex just tsked. “Don’t you worry, Jay. I’ll make sure he’s got his head on straight.”

Zack just laughed at them, slinging his bass into its case. “Jack, you act like eighty percent of practice isn’t just you messing around.”

“It’s different when I do it!” He pouted. “I don’t totally space out for minutes at a time.”

Rolling his eyes, Rian scoffed. “It was an accident. I was just thinking about how excited I am to not have to look at you for the rest of the night.”

Zack laughed as Alex let out an involuntary exclaim of, 'ouch!' Jack frowned as the three packed up. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he sighed, pretending to pout some more. 

“Wait for me, I’m your ride,” Zack yelled after him, climbing the stairs. 

When they were finally alone, Alex took his opportunity to press a chaste kiss to Rian’s lips before his mom came down to check on them. “You really should pay more attention during practice,” Alex said in a teasing voice. 

Bashful, Rian stood from his stool and smiled. “Go to hell.”

“Rude,” Alex smiled, his face lighting up.

“Boys?” Rian’s mom called from upstairs. “Out of the basement in three.”

Hanging his head back, Rian let out a silent scream before yelling back, “okay, mom!”

Holding Rian’s hands in his, Alex gave him a tight lipped smile. “Hey, it’s okay, yeah? Breathe for a minute.”

Letting himself soak up his last few moments of Alex before he went home, Rian took a breath in through his nose before breathing out and kissing Alex’s cheek. He hated that his parents stripped him of his privacy after coming out. He wished they would just let him be alone with someone without having to have some grander reason. Rian really missed feeling normal. Alex squeezed his hand and he nodded. “It’s okay,” he repeated. Alex gave him a small smile before grabbing his guitar case.

His chest filled up as Alex’s face softened. “Yeah. Let’s go.” Face to face with Rian’s mom, Alex smiled. “Thanks again for letting us use your place, Mrs. Dawson” he said politely.

Rian’s mom looked between him and Alex before giving up on her task of figuring out if there was anything going on between the two of them and smiling. “Of course, Alex,” she relented. “You guys are welcome here whenever. Are you staying for dinner?”

“Oh, no. I can’t,” Alex said, making Rian deflate. “I mean, I’d love to, but Jack and Zack would kill me.” Rian sighed as he watched Alex drive down the road. It was okay. Everything was fine. 

He just really didn’t want to get out of bed. Rian kind of just wanted to lay in this bed until he died. Or, at least, until he absolutely couldn’t hold it anymore. Silencing his second alarm, he rolled out of bed and got ready to face the day as best he could. He didn’t want to go to rehearsal today. He didn’t really want to do anything today. Or ever. But especially today.

Rian dragged himself down to his basement and waited for the boys to arrive. Zack got there first, Alex following shortly after. Alex. Fuck.

“Jack says he’s gunna be another ten or fifteen minutes,” Zack groaned, before throwing his phone into his case. 

Sighing, Alex collapsed onto Rian’s couch. “Of course he is. Typical Jack. I say we kick him out of the band,” Alex joked, smiling easily at Zack.

Laughing, Zack stretched. “I’m gonna pee before he gets here. Be right back,” he sighed climbing the steps to use the bathroom. 

Rian’s chest felt empty. The usual excitement of seeing Alex’s easy going toothy grin doing the opposite of what it usually did, making him feel less than nothing. An awkward silence settled over the basement before Alex spoke. 

“How was your day, Ri?”

“Fine.”

Deflating, Alex looked at him with a pleading expression. “I’m sorry, Ri. But we talked and you said-.”

“I know what I said, Alex,” Rian cut him off. “We’re fine. I’m just tired.”

“I call bull but whatever,” he muttered leaning back into the couch. “You just don’t know how to really talk about your feelings.”

Scoffing, Rian shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah, five years in the closet does that to a person,” he bit back sarcastically.

Frowning, Alex whispered, “I didn’t mean it.”

Rian opted to ignore him and the feeling of numbness that was spreading through his chest like a virus, making him want to just drop dead then and there. Zack reappeared a few minutes later, Jack trailing in, embarrassed, behind him. 

“I can explain,” Jack said, eyes wide.

“We don’t care that much,” Rian said, deadpan, making his ex-boyfriend chuckle. His chest felt funny at the approval before he shut it down, going back to a painful nothingness. 

It sucked. Because all he wanted was to have back what they used to have. But even all these years later, Rian couldn’t tear down the walls he’d built to defend himself from the charm Alex unknowingly cast on him with every interaction.

“Ri!” Alex whined.

Rolling his eyes, Rian popped his head out of his bunk. “What, Al?”

Footsteps approached before he saw Alex standing just outside of the sleeping portion of the bus. “Do you know where Jack put the cold medicine?”

Standing in front of him, bundled in a thick blanket on top of his sweatshirt, Rian sighed and rolled out of his bunk. “No. Did you check the junk drawer?”

He nodded pitifully. “I couldn’t find it though,” Alex sniffled, his nose red and irritated. Rian’s heart leapt at the innocence lacing Alex’s voice. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up but Jack and Zack went to go get lunch and they wouldn’t answer their phones.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t wake me up,” he reassured Alex, placing a hand on his shoulder as he passed him. “Let me look and if I can’t find it I’ll go get you some.”

Looking panicked, Alex shook his head. “It’s okay, you don’t have to-.”

“It’s fine, Alex. Chill. Go sit down, you look like hell, dude.”

He reluctantly followed Rian’s directions, disappearing into the lounge. After a few minutes of searching, Rian found it hidden behind the three bottles of tequila that they’d stocked up on during their last stop. When he turned to show the bottle to Alex, he found him asleep, a peaceful look gracing his face. Rian sighed, his heart full of fantasies of what could’ve been. He almost felt bad when he shook him awake.

“Alex,” Rian murmured. “Wake up, dude.”

Sleep clouding his mind, Alex smiled at the sight of Rian. “Ri,” he whispered. “How are you?”

Humoring him, Rian played along. “I’m good, Al. I found the medicine for you. Take this.”

Alex did as told, grimacing as he drank the medicine Rian had poured out for him. “This tastes like ass.” 

“Yeah, no shit,” Rian laughed. “Why don’t you lie down in your bunk, huh? So you can rest.”

Humming, Alex nodded, letting Rian lead him back to his bunk. “Thanks, Ri. I really appreciate it.”

Rian gave him a small smile. “It’s no big deal. Just get some sleep okay?”

“Okay,” Alex whispered, already half asleep. Heart tender and full, Rian returned to his own bunk, hearing Alex’s soft breathing from above him. This sucked.

Alex just laughed, making Rian’s chest feel tight. “You’re such a drama queen, Ri,” he laughed from across the table later that night.

Rian gently slid his glass back and forth between his hands on the table. “I’m not a drama queen,” Rian pouted. “I’m a drama king.”

“Tomato tomato,” Alex rolled his eyes. Jack was out with the rest of their crew drinking while Zack was hanging out with some friends he knew in the area. Somehow, Rian let himself get roped into dinner alone with Alex. And by that he meant Alex batted his eyelashes at him and jutted out his bottom lip and Rian caved immediately. “So, how are things with that guy from Nashville,” Alex winked.

Blushing, Rian hid his face behind his hands. He’d just moved out to Nashville six months ago and shortly after met his neighbor two houses over, Jeremy. They’d been dating for the past three months and Alex wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. “I mean, we dated for a month and then I packed up for tour. So about as well as things could be going, I guess.”

Something Rian couldn’t quite decipher passed over Alex’s eyes before his face was split in two by a grin. “Is he, y’know, the one?”

Rian’s stomach turned uncomfortably because, he absolutely wasn't. Rian couldn’t even imagine a year with Jeremy let alone a lifetime. He’d become content a long time ago that marriage probably just wasn’t for him. Especially not with Jeremy.

“Don’t get me wrong, I really like him, but I don’t see it,” he muttered quietly, making Alex shift in his seat. 

Sighing, Alex took a sip from his drink. “Sorry,” he muttered, sniffling. “I was just joking.”

Rian just shrugged. “All good, no worries.” 

Coughing into his arm, Alex looked up at Rian with heavy eyes. “I feel like shit.”

“And you look like shit, too.”

Alex gave him a look before giving him a more reserved, more private smile. “You’ll figure it out,” he muttered, gingerly placing a hand over his own.

Looking at their hands, Rian let himself take in a deep breath and hold it for a minute, trying to savor the moment before it was gone. His chest felt full and his shoulders relaxed. He had to break up with Jeremy.

Putting a hand on his shoulder, Zack gave him a soft look. “You okay?”

Confused, Rian furrowed his brow. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Alex told me and Jack about Jeremy. It’s okay to be upset.”

Rian has to refrain from rolling his eyes. “Oh, no it’s okay, really. I think it was for the best.”

“Well, if you wanna talk, you know where to find me,” Zack smiled, walking off the bus.

He’d broken up with Jeremy yesterday night. It had been two weeks since he’d told Alex he didn’t see a future with him and honestly it was two weeks of sheer torture. Every phone call made Rian feel like the worst person in the world. Because he was still in love with his ex-boyfriend and best friend from high school all the while telling some guy he wasn’t even sure if he’d ever cared about that he missed him and couldn’t wait to see him soon. What a bunch of shit.

Of course Rian did them both a favor by lying, saying it wasn’t fair to either of them considering his career. Hesitantly, Jeremy agreed with him, insisting that they stay friends. Rian knew that they wouldn’t and didn’t quite have the heart to fight him. Instead, he muttered out a feeble 'absolutely' before hanging up the phone. He should probably move. 

The next year came and went quietly. Rian kept to himself when he was in Nashville, trying to keep himself as far away from everyone as possible. Yeah, it was lonely, but it was safe. When he was home, he only talked to the other All Time Low boys if they reached out first, not seeing a reason to bother them, or be bothered for that matter, if there was no need.

“Dude,” Jack called one day, voice tight with concern. “Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve hardly talked to any of us in weeks.”

“Just a little burnt out,” Rian lied, trying to spare Jack’s feelings. “I don’t usually feel this tired after a tour. It’s kinda weird.”

Laughing obnoxiously, Jack agreed with him, voice lighter. Less concerned. Rian smiled at the sound. He did miss them, as much as he wished he didn’t. But, after months of pretending to not be in love with their lead singer, he needed some time to decompress. It felt almost like high school again: sitting in his house just pretending he didn’t exist. It was nostalgic in a way.

Jack sighed after a few more minutes of lighthearted conversation. “Well, if you ever need anything, you know where to find us. Zack might be sleeping, but you know me and Alex won’t be.”

Rian’s heart did a flip, irritatingly. “I know, dad,” he groaned making Jack laugh before they exchanged goodbyes and he heard the familiar click of the line going dead. Deflating, Rian rolled over in his bed and shut his eyes, letting himself drift to bed at seven o’clock. He was so fucked.

He woke up anxious. Anxious to go to his studio just fifteen minutes from his house. Anxious to have to make his three o’clock phone call. Anxious to just be. Because today he was going to start recording for their new album, and he was going to hear Alex’s voice for the first time in a month.

The closest he’d gotten to hearing or seeing Alex was in instagram stories, where his small smiles and smirks made him feel sick to his stomach. The mix of lust and disdain fighting for dominance, making him ill.

Opening the file and hitting play, Rian listened to the vocals through his earphones before moving onto the file with the backing guitars. Against his better judgement, he replayed the isolated vocals again. And then again, and then once more, until he’d memorized every word. More than that, until he’d memorized every dip in Alex’s inflection and every time he drew in a breath. He listened to the vocals until his chest felt so tight that Rian had to take off his headphones and sit back in his chair, trying to manage his breathing. In and out. In and out.

When he finally felt okay again and his hands had stopped shaking, Rian started to record his own track. He fucked up the first few times, adrenaline still coursing through his veins, making him dizzy. When he finally got the drums to a better place, he took a break, checking his watch for the time. Two forty-seven. Thirteen minutes until Alex was going to call him. He knew it was just to check in on his recording for the day, but Rian was still remarkably nervous.

Being punctual for once, his phone rang right at three. He took a breath before answering the phone. “Hello?”

“Ri!” Alex exclaimed, his enthusiasm glaringly obvious. “How are you?”

“I’m great! How are you?”

He heard a garbled sound on the line that sounded like a mix of a snort, laugh, and groan. “I’m fucking stressed dude! I forgot how hard songwriting is.”

Humming, Rian frowned. “Yeah, that’s why we let you deal with it.”

“Fuck you.”

“Well,” he teased, half smiling and half wanting to die.

Alex just scoffed. “Ha ha! So funny,” he muttered without a shred of embarrassment at the implications of Rian's words. The allusion to the summer after high school. Rian shifted uncomfortably at his own words. “So, how’s the recording session going?”

Rian pulled up the file and checked to make sure he’d laid it over the vocals and guitars correctly. “It’s currently live in our one shared file, if you wanna give it a quick listen,” he muttered, fiddling with the levels before Alex could get to the file.

“Oh, hell yeah. Gimme a second to pull it up,” he said, excited.

“Temper your expectations, it’s super rough.”

He could practically see Alex rolling his eyes. “You always say that and it’s usually pretty crisp.”

Rian whispered a quick 'kiss ass,' making Alex laugh before hushing Rian so he could listen to the file. Rian hated listening to Alex when he’d do this. He always insisted on calling him when he listened to the drums for the first time. And while Rian knew it was an efficiency thing, he sometimes just wished Alex would listen on his own and then text him like a normal person. But he was a control freak which Rian had just gotten used to. Unfortunately. 

When Alex finished, he let out a hum. “Good or bad?” Rian asked nervously.

“Good,” Alex answered after a minute. “Really good, actually.”

“Oh. I’m glad you like it. I wasn’t sure about the pickup to the chorus though,” he rambled modestly.

“Christ,” Alex laughed. Rian could practically see the smile on his face. “If you were here I’d beat your ass for that.”

Rian clenched his fist as his heart raced. “I’m just saying. I’d love some notes.”

“I’d need to listen to it a few more times. But it’s perfect for now.” When Rian didn’t respond, he heard a burst of static. A sigh from Alex. “Ri,” he said softly.

“Yeah?”

“It’s good. I mean it.”

He closed his eyes and let out a breath. “Thanks dude. The song is awesome. I listened to it about thirty times. I’m already sick of it,” he joked making Alex laugh. It rang out pitched slightly higher than Rian was used to due to the speakers and bounced around in his head.

They talked casually for a while, Rian’s heart achingly empty the whole time. When Rian checked his watch again it was four thirty. Tapping his foot anxiously, he listened as Alex gave his two cents about some show he was binging on Netflix that week. “But you don’t care about that,” Alex rushed, embarrassed. 

“No, keep going,” Rian encouraged gently, a blush dusting his cheeks even though Alex couldn’t see him. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”

Sitting cross legged on the floor of his recording studio, he listened to the boy he’d been thinking of nonstop for the past month ramble on about nothing for the next hour, his chest physically aching as he hung up with a tender, “I’ll call you later.”

Sighing slightly, Rian let his shoulder slump forward, upset. “Yeah, you better,” he joked. “It was nice to talk to you, Al. I’ve missed you guys.”

“I’ve missed you guys too,” Alex whined, not picking up on the subtleties and implications of Rian’s words. “I can’t wait to tour this stuff soon.”

“Our best stuff yet,” Rian said, grasping at straws to keep Alex on the line.

Laughing, Alex responded, “you say that everytime.”

Rian shrugged. “We just keep getting better.”

“Whatever,” Alex said. “I’ll let you go. Send you some notes tomorrow over everything if that’s okay?”

“That works for me. Just let me know.”

“Will do,” Alex groaned, probably stretching or something stupid. “Alright, alright. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah,” Rian sighed. “Later dude.”

An annoyingly familiar click and he was alone. He pushed himself off the floor and turned everything off before locking the door and climbing into his car. He sat in the parking lot for just a little too long before driving home. His chest slowly returned to its normal state of being. He was pretty sure that he’d do just about anything to see Alex’s smile right now.

Oh, God. To be in Alex’s presence on a good day. Oh to have his chest filled with soft, radiant, blinding light. To see Alex’s smile at the crack of a bad joke.

Rian was so lucky.

So lucky that they were both drinkers. So lucky that Alex didn’t know how to keep his damn mouth shut. Damn lucky.

“You think you’re funny, but you’re not,” Alex told him, suppressing a smile as he began to unpacked a box of Rian’s clothes labeled No Nudist Parties into their new dresser. “So you’re lucky I like you.”

Pretending to pout, Rian wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist and spun him around to face him. “You only like me?”

Alex rolled his eyes, and cocked his head to the side. “You’re gonna make me say it?”

“I’d like to hear it,” Rian teased him.

Alex pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “Does that count?”

“Eh,” Rian said, knitting his eyebrows together. “Close but no cigar.”

Smiling softly, Alex pulled him into another kiss. “I love you.”

His chest erupted with the feeling of light. Glowing, Rian gave him a blinding smile. “I love you, too.”


End file.
